Avatar: Hippies weep via 3D felines and sideboob

People have been in a huge circle jerk over the technology behind (and popping out of) James Cameron flick, Avatar. It's been heralded as a leap akin to TV going from black-and-white to colour. This is 3D like you ain't ever seen it before.

As a result, people have been sitting up straight and listening keenly. I mean, if this is All New And Improved 3D, then it's a cert for a trip to the cinema, right? This ain't a film you can sit around and wait for a DVD release. Avatar is an experience that needs to be realised in full, in front of an enormo-screen, with million point surround sound with special specs on.

However, this is James Cameron. He may have been behind the first, and grim, Terminator flick, but more relevant is his role in mawkish, sentimentfest Titanic.

Regardless of whether the film is any good or not, the whole thing feels like a proper pop culture event. I mean, 3D flicks are stupid fun. Shit jumping out of the screen and people looking cool in the single only time that it's actually cool to sit in a darkened room with shades on... what's not to like?

That said, going to see Avatar with expectations of watching an amazing plot is probably naive at best. Here was a film that was always gonna be blighted by the wizardry of tech. It was always gonna be all fur coat and big comfortable knickers.

This means aiming your sights low. In fact, on approaching the cinema, I've never had such low expectations for a film. I wanted to be dazzled by a spectacle... forget the film itself... who cares? As such, the film itself was passable enough for me to endure without too much griping from the bleachers.

I mean, the story is one you've heard a million times before. Basically, super macho man goes native for profit and kicks... but falls in love with everything he once opposed. As such, jar-head ends up noble and all spiritual with a pure heart and so on.

Naturally, the protagonist ends up becoming something of a Messiah leading the natives on a most righteous crusade against his own failing and evil civilisation. How very hippie-huggy. Like most hippies, it's a thought-film with sights set on swiping at militarism, capitalism, and imperialism.

It's Dances With Wolves meets Disney. Only longer.

Anyway, like Star Wars and the like, this is all an allegory for The Real World. Instead of whupping brown people for oil and trees, Avatar is gunning for the ludicrously named unobtanium on the planet of Pandora. The brown people are replaced with... well... brown people painted blue with cat eyeballs and they're called The Na'vi.

The Na'vi get their arses handed to them by Faceless Empire X and it's all very nasty and you will get an idea of where the film is going from around 9 minutes in. However, slagging a film like this because it's insulting obvious on every level seems a bit pointless.

Essentially, Avatar is an action film for people with iPhones... explosions with a conscience.

Fact is, the film is... and always was going to be... second fiddle to the new 3D. And it's not surprisingly because the experience is brilliant. Seriously. From the off... as in, before the film kicked off and there was some brandy commercial in 3D where everyone giggled like children at the tumbling smashed three-dimensional shards of glass... the whole experience was a real hoot.

Seeing Sigourney Weaver in 3D is a fun, weird experience. I noticed, for the only time in my life no doubt, how wide her back is. Loads of cheap gags were tossed the way of the audience, with wildly spinning rotor blades hurtled toward your head... deep forests with buzzing glo-flies... all that good popcorn junk. However, the effect really worked when it was its most subtle. Muck on windscreens, from which we peered beyond and 3D computer screens used in the film made you want to actually reach out and touch.

Whilst this film is the most gimmicky cinematic thing I'm ever likely to do, I'm glad I did. Avatar as a story is on a par with the new Star Wars films... or even the boring-as-hell Lord of the Rings marathons. But there's nothing wrong with wallowing around a gimmick like a pig in shit. If you watch this in regular 2D, there's very little to excited about. It's sci-fi with overt, gloopy morals. It's a bit of a drag. However, pop the shades on and you'll never see sideboob so eye-popping.

Expect nothing from this film. It's a ride on the dodgems... no more, no less. You'll have fun if you're able to side step the great puddles of sentimentality and can ignore the ache in your rump when you realise you've been sat in the same position for too many hours.

It's predictable, badly paced and mawkish... but it's in 3D! IT'S IN 3D! [Mof Gimmers]

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[Johan]

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