World yawns at the prospect of U2 playing Glasto

U2 are set to headline the Glastonbury Festival next year... news that has been met with a mixture of boredom and a mass outpouring of grief.

It's not surprising that they've been asked if you think about it for one second. Glasto is a festival that is designed for the beige brain of the collective musical conservatists. I mean, this is a festival that promotes dribbling schmindie like Elbow and the like.

Not too long ago, Glastonbury looked like it might actually become relevant again, by getting Jay-Z to top the bill. However, it took no time at all to buck the hope by getting lamo dadrocker Bruce Springsteen on to wheel out his insipid choogle about some invented American (Wet) Dream.

So who should Eavis & Co. took a punt on? They woulda never done it in a million years, but an appearance on the main stage by Wu Tang Clan would have surely restored the faith of a million people with working ears and a beating, functioning heart. Failing that, get Girls Aloud to top the bill and bring with them their gigantic choruses.

Instead, we've got the prospect of Bono getting down the front and parping "The future needs a big kiss..." and "...hey, sexy boots!" You think I'm making those lyrics up don't you? Well they're both from terminal rockbore, 'Get On Your Boots'.

Glastonbury is a dreadful festival full of people desperately lunging at some faux experience. With Bono casting a limp hand over a field full of people on media junkets and middle class twits all joining hands and sharing the scrump, this is the biggest, boldest signal that, at the end of the first decade of the Noughties, Rock Music Is Dead.

Comments

[Michael]

Here we go. Rock music is dead now, because U2 are playing glastonbury. Which you have already declared irrelevant? So what difference does it make who plays there? Why do people line up to proclaim melodramatic statements like this. Music will remain at the same level of alive always, it will just change constantly. Full stop. And yes we know about your new found love for pop music (girls aloud would really have helped 'The Fate Of Rock'), get over it, and get over girls aloud if they were around in exactly the same format in the late 90s you would be lambasting them along with every other sculpted commercial group that existed in huge numbers at the time.

[Mof Gimmers]

Not so Mikey.

Rock music, currently, IS dead. Or at least, in a death rattle. Glastonbury, despite being an irritating hugfest, is usually a good indicator of how pop and rock is doing in the world. Good news bands (who I may not necessarily like) have tended to top the bill... however, such is the lack of options currently (thanks to a procession of inordinately beige blandery like Elbow and Paulo Nutini), the weekend will be headed up by creaking rock clots U2.

As for pop... well... in the late '90s, I was digging a load of pop brought out around then. The first All Saints LP is ace... The Spice Girls had a clutch of ace singles (granted, an equal number of throwaway fluff).

As for Girls Aloud 'helping the fate of rock'... that's just silly. They'd help Glastonbury though. They'd make it vital and relevant, as opposed to drippy and backward looking. Or, rather, stick Wu Tang on, for a laugh.