808 Porn

Some guy called Ryuichi Sakamoto used the 808 handclap in '78... but I'm pretty sure no-one is all that arsed about who he is. Fact is, I'm talking about 808's because Kanye West's new LP is called '808s and Heartbreak'. Man, no 808 ever done me wrong! Coupled with the 909, these Roland drum machine bad boys have pretty much patted out the drums of my life!

First big pop-hit to utilise the 808 was Marvin Gaye. You go listen to Sexual Healing and man, it's there. It's all over it. I couldn't tell you a damn thing about that record apart from the drums and the vocals. Does it even feature any instruments? Who cares! It's all there. From Marv', we head straight into Electro and Hip Hop!

People always bang on about how the Fender Strat' is the holy grail of Muso-Porn. They'll talk about the action on the neck, the finish, the blah... but serious... no Fender guitar ever leapt outta my speakers. Sure, they've been there and makin' a racket, but have I ever thought "Now that's the classic Fender sound HOT DAMN!" Nope. I just thought - that sounds like a cool electric guitar effect. This is why I'm about The Big Muff.

However, there ain't no denyin' an 808 or a 909. Soon as you hear one of those bad boys, your body starts to pop. Shit, the sheer amount of lyrics dedicated to the 808 is huge! "Everybody gettin down make no mistake / Nothing sounds quite like the 808." That came from the collective pen of the Beastie Boys right there! Even Britney got on it hollerin' "You got my heart beating like an 808." Fast, steeled pulse, tense...

Fact is, the 808 is a pure punk machine. Don't bother with learnin' how to play a real drum kit! Just pick one of these fuggers up and hit random buttons and you'll be makin' breaks for Whodini in no time! Soon as you hit that clave button, you'll be grinning like a simpleton at the memories that flood in... "MAN! That's the noise from that Whitney Houston track! Oooooooh I wanna dance wi' somebody! FUCK YEAH!"

See, when the price of an 808 fell, things went punk... in attitude. Everyone could get a piece of that pie. The 808 kick-started hip-hop (along with sampling of course) and in turn, kicked off acid-house and techno. People stopped thinking about music in that old, tired way. Man. You could keep you wig-outs, we got a fistful of these, an 808 and a 303 and some kid with a mic and we're off gettin' kicks!

Everythin' sounds better with an 808. Think about the prospect of going to a techno club without an 808. It doesn't bear thinking about. That way, Faithless lies... and no-one in their right mind wants that. However, this muvver was deemed super un-hip for years. Snooty critics dubbed it as sounding like 'marching ant-eaters'. Anyway, this is kinda ramblin' and pointless (like all music press should be), but I thought I'd spill on the 808. [mof]

Comments

[RobG]

I've heard 808 bass kicks so hard that I done a brown in my trouser. If you LOOK at an 808 snare then you can see waaaaaay into the future. Itsthetruth.

[grom]

If you love 808s and 909s and 303s then you'll love the Hobnox Audiotool http://www.hobnox.com/audiotool.1046.en.html
It's a free online app (in your browser) that gives you all of those machines and a stack of effects pedals - amazing fun!
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grom
http://www.pri.me.uk