Robot conductor leads Detroit Symphony

The lights dim. The sell-out hall quietens and out walks the conductor... who jus' happens to be shiny, white and 1.3 metres tall. That's right. ASIMO, a robot designed by Honda Motor Co., met its latest challenge: Conducting the Detroit Symphony in a performance of The Impossible Dream from Man of La Mancha.

Now, I've never been able to truly get into classical music for a number of reasons. Firstly, I don't dig the way everyone playing has to wear suits and penguin garb. Secondly; Where's the light shows and the dry ice? Classical music is a pain in the rump as they're the kinda puritans that make a muso snob like me feel shunned. A classical gig is ALL about the music... nothing else. Take it as it comes in all it's majesty. Yeah man, but make an effort. Gimme some lasers. Gimme some whacked out graphics on a big screen behind you. Knock out ALL my senses. It seems Detroit has got it right once again...

Even though I'm wildly stabbing in the dark (no light show y'see?), I've always though that classical gigs were more like going to a lecture. They can't be an exercise in fun... god forbid... but rather, everyone sitting around in their Sunday best rattling their Murray Mints at the close of a particularly long tune. When Ride of the Valkyries kicks in, it should be greeted with devil horns and applauded for being the Smoke On The Water of the classical world. Man. I bet there's people reading this who are spitting "it's not classical! Dolt! The sisters of Brünnhilde will drag you to Valhalla so the fallen heroes can kick the word O.P.E.R.A. into you...". Whatever. At any rate, I only got those fancy words from Wikipedia.

Classical music has no personalities. The only people I can think of who waft batons are George Martin and maybe David Axelrod. Axelrod once threatened to throw a melon at Paul McCartney's head and George... well, he was poking at Ringo with a broom trying to get him to float down from the ceiling at Abbey Road. So what classical needs is a personality. And the Detroit Symph seem to have come up with an answer. Instead of paying some balding old guy to come, conduct, bow, leave... they got themselves a robot to do it. He might have about as much personality... but he looks far cooler.

A report on this unholy union said that ASIMO walked on-stage and said "Hello, everyone," in "a childlike voice, then waved to the orchestra. As it conducted, it perfectly mimicked the actions of a conductor, nodding its head at various sections and gesturing with one or both hands. ASIMO took a final bow to enthusiastic shouts from the audience." MAN! I wish I coulda seen it! ASIMO, said after the gig, "It is absolutely thrilling to perform with the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. This is a magnificent concert hall."  He then signed a few autographs and made off with a toaster and a laserjet printer for "some fun".

The Detroit Symph also realise that classical music can't continue with names like Ludwig and Jean-Jecques-Christpohe De Cochon d'Inde. They got a cellist called Yo-Yo Ma. Yo-Yo joined ASIMO onstage to receive an award and then bent to ASIMO's height and shook the robot's hand. It was surely like a Godless waltz. They shoulda done the robotics together.

There's a whole heap of quotes from the musicians saying 'oh, much better than I expected' and all that, but that ain't important. What is important is that this is definite forward-thinking from the classical world. Next, it's laser shows WITH robots AND dancing girls in cages. Classical is taking notes from hip-hop shows and Pink Floyd. In a coupla years, we'll all be partyin' like it's 1589!