New Releases, 6th May, with Jim Davidson

Hello hippies. Jim Davidson here. You may remember me as that bloke off the telly who is stinking rich and more. Now, looking at the Electric Roulette writers, you lot probably don't like me much. Well tough. Tough. I couldn't give a f--k. I say what I like, when I like, about whoever I like. Usually brown people and women. Deal with it.

I'm in a good mood at the moment with the rise of the Tories and Bo-Jo! Boris Johnson got in and when the result of the London Mayoral race was announced, I nearly spat my tea everywhere thinking about the look on the faces of all those po-faced liberals everywhere crying and moaning. Anyway, I'm here to review the latest releases, so let's get on with so I can get back to my masonic lodge.

45s

Bon Iver – Skinny Love

There's nothing wrong with a skinny bird. Who want an 'orrible old fat knacker eh? Different postcode on each arse cheek. Disgusting. Women owe to us blokes to look good. This lot sound like a bunch of folk hippies in cardigans from the 70s.

Charlatans - The Misbegotten

Who do this lot think they are? New Order? The Stones?

James Fox & Cardiff City FC - Bluebirds Flying High

This should've been My Wife, The Sheep or summink. These woolly backs shouldn't even be allowed to play in our FA Cup? Why don't they go back to where they came from eh? If this sheepshaggers win, they'll be representing England in Europe and that's not on. They should play in their own league with their own people. Bleedin' taffs.

Kate Rusby - Who Knows Where The Time Goes

She'd be a bit of alright if she scrubbed up a bit. I bet she's a leftie, wacky backy smoking dippy sort who sings around camp fires with blokes with beards. I bet she don't shave 'er armpits either. Filthy bitch. She can come to my pad in the Isle of Man and I'll get her in my shower and [deleted by editor]

Kylie Minogue - In My Arms

Now here's a nice looking bird... even if she's the descendant of filthy Irish criminals. If she just sorted out those horse teeth of 'ers, I'd knock 'er hips out.

Marc Almond & Michael Cashmore - Gabriel / The Lunatic Lover

I can't believe, in this day and ages, queers are still being allowed to make records and that.

The Mars Volta - Candy And A Currant Bun

Bloody Pink Floyd cover? Jesus Christ.

Martina Topley-Bird - Poison

She's a tasty bird, even for [deleted by editor]. The Roulette lot seem to love this track... queers. Gimme a bit of the Quo any day of the week.

Raconteurs - Salute Your Solution

Is this him out of that band with the ugly woman on drums? Poof. 

Scarlett Johansson - Falling Down

Nice European name. Can't beat this eh?

Wiley - Wearing My Rolex

I have loads of money. I've got about 50 Rolex watches... but you don't hear me going on about it. They're all the same... banging on about their wealth and all that. Well, if I had my way, [deleted by editor]

Will.i.am feat Cheryl Cole – Heartbreaker

I like Cheryl Cole. Did you hear her headbutting that [deleted by editor] Hahahaha! What she doin' with this bloke then?

LPs

Def Leppard - Songs From The Sparkle Lounge

I love rockin' out to Leppard. That drummer with one arm? Yeah. I bought his other arm at an auction for the masons.

Elvis Costello & The Imposters – Momofuku

Leftie twit. Honestly, you'd think he'd never got his end away the way he carries on.

Scooter - Jumping All Over The World

What the f--k is this? Seriously? Is this what gypo's play on fairgrounds?

Steve Winwood – 9 Lives

Started off a stupid hippie before sorting it out in the 80s with that Higher Love track and Valerie.

The Vines – Best Of

Slit yer wrists music.