A Beginners Guide To...Jay-Z

Why Bother?

YEAH! Why bother, right? That's what I'd like to ask Micheal Eavis right now! "Jay-Z: Why bother?" Whydya bother desecrating the saced "Glasto" Headline Slot with This Sort Of Thing, huh? I mean, I've no problem with black artists playing Glasto, just as long as they're reassuringly old / reassuringly smiley / reassuringly part of some African dance troupe I read about in the Independent / and most importantly: Real Far Down The Bill, OK? Look at Jay-Zed in this picture: he just looks so angry! I mean, what if he's angry at us? Is Micheal Eavis really gonna take responsibility for inviting an angry black American to come over here, take our headline slots, and potentially BROADEN OUR HORIZONS AND OPEN OUR MINDS with SOME MUSIC I MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD BEFORE? Yeah! Like I really go to "Glasto" to broaden my horizons! The headline slot is for middle of the road white indie bands who happen to be doing well at the time: EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

Essential Purchase:

The hippy-nazi response in this country to Jay-Z headlining "Glasto" has been sickening, much of it quasi-racist, all of it bigoted and narrow-minded. I would imagine people who attend "Glasto" consider themselves open-minded, intelligent sorts. If Jay-Z ain't your particular bag, then fair enuff. If hip-hop in general ain't really your bag, then fair enuff. But for the nation's crusties, indie-kids, Gallaghers and Guardian reading middle-class neuvo-hippies to stomp their feet and say "This Sort Of Thing Doesn't Belong At Glastonbury" is really the living end.

BUT! What if you're going to Glasto this year and, even though you might not have heard very much of Jay-Z's music, would Actually Like To See Him And See What The Fuss Is All About And Maybe Even, Y'Know, Enjoy It! I mean, hey: the man considered by many to be one of the finest vocalists of his generation might be worth catching, right? Maybe you wanna get wise to Jay before you get down to "Glasto"? Here are the tunes you're want pumping in the car tape deck on your way down to Eavis' Farm, I guarantee they're gonna sound absolutely brilliant blasting from your system...

The Black Album: For the indie-kid dipping one hesitant Converse in J-Hova's world, I recommend you start with this, and the reason I recommend it is simple: '99 Problems.' A Rick Rubin production, and by this writer's estimation the greatest Hip-Hop track of the Noughties, this is the one Jigga Man anthem guaranteed to destroy "Glasto". Sampling Billy Squier's 'The Big Beat,' Mountain's 'Long Red,' Ice-T's own '99 Problems' and uncredited portions of Wilson Pickett's 'Engine No 9' and - possibly - NWA's 'Straight Outta Compton', '99 Problems' represents the high watermark of Rubin's thundering, stripped down rock/rap sound. Despite claiming this would be his last LP J-Hova has of course returned to the mic, but he's yet to top the monstrous rock thump of '99 Problems'.

The Blueprint: Featuring his other great rock track, "The Takeover", wherein Jay-Z disses at length pretty much everybody in the entire world who isn't signed to Roc-A-Fella Records, including your momma. Does so over a thunderous thick fuzz guitar lick and harpsichord looped off of The Doors' '5 To 1'. Awesome.

Hidden Gem: The Grey Album

Not an official Jay-Z LP, but essential nonetheless. Dangermouse's mash-up LP transcends the inherently gimmicky mash-up genre to become a truly great, coherent LP in its' own right, the vocals from Jay Z's 'Black Album' spat over 'White Album' Beatle Beats, to frequently astonishing ends. Pure pop-art, and sure to piss humourless so-called Beatles fans off while delighting real Fabs fanatics who recognise this as a concept Lennon at least woulda surely dug the most. Some tracks work better than others, and one could argue that it's a pretty one sided deal (the Beatles being cut and diced to fit the Jigga Man's rhymes rather than the other way around), but all this is small so much small beer when presented with the LP as a whole. The 99 Problems / Helter Skelter mix is a slam dunk, and the Encore / Glass Onion (see below) mix is as groovy as they come. We all knew that Ringo was a funky muvva.

One To Avoid: All The Stuff He Does With Linkin Park

I mean, Linkin Park: why, God, WHY? Why not go the whole hog and guest with Papa Roach or Alien Ant Farm? Why has nobody told Jay that it isn't 2001 any more? I've never ever listened to any stuff Jay has "done" "with" Linkin Park, but let's be straight here: it must suck beyond all levels of human comprehension. He should be guesting on White Stripes tracks. Why didn't Jack 'n' Meg get him over to Detroit to spit some fresh knowledge over Icky Thump? WHY DOES HE RAP ON LINKIN PARK RECORDS?!!!

In conclusion: stop being borderline racist hippy-nazi bigots and listen to some Jay-Z records already. Paul Fuzz

Comments

[Orla]

*Applause*

The most infuriating thing is that these Glasto twerps think they're so diverse and all inclusive. Not when it's in your own back yard though, eh?

We can only hope a few eyes get opened by the mellow and willing.