New Releases, 7th April, with Jesus Christ our Lord

Hello. Jesus Christ here. 'Bout time someone gave me the chance to talk about some music... man, I'm sick to my holy teeth 'bout them hymns. The Gospel ones are alright and I dig Reverend Gary Davies... but yeah, I loves my music. Chekkit. Psalms 33:1-4 sez "Sing unto him a new song; play skilfully with a loud noise. For the word of the Lord is righteous and all his works are done in truth." Can you dig that?

Not only that, but I'm omnipotent aren't I? I know my shit. Plus, I got more names than P. Diddy (Jesus of Nazareth,  Yehoshua, Christ, Messiah... it goes on man). An' even though shammers be portrayin' me with a white face, the beard bit is bob on because I seriously dig The Band... and who wouldn't wanna git down with those guys... "rag mama rag..."

Anyways, it's about time I had a look at the new releases. I guess you're wonderin' why I choose my comeback on a poky music site... well, I don't wanna barge the party and holler up my name y'understan'? Figure this. It's like a spoiler. A sneakin' out so people get used to the idea of me bein' back in town. Anyways, 'nuff politics, let's listen to some 45s.

Singles

Black Kids - I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

This might not be very Christian of me... but hell, neither is standing by a roadside shouting "God Hates Fags". So, to hell with it... this is fuggin' dismal indie pap that deserves its place in the NME.

Blah Blah Blah - Death To The Indie Disco

This is indie musak. Man. Death To The Indie Disco? Can you smell irony? Like John The Baptists' rotten feet I can...

Foo Fighters - Cheer Up, Boys (Your Make Up is Running)

Yo. In Psalms 95:1-2, it says, "Let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation." Well, I dunno if any salvation is goin' on here, but Grohl and his minions sure are a rock band.

Fragma – Toca’s Miracle 2008

"Praise him for his mighty acts: praise him according to his excellent greatness. Praise him with the sound of the trumpet: praise him with the psaltery and harp. Praise him with the timbrel and dance: praise him with stringed instruments and organs. Praise him upon the loud cymbals: praise him upon the high sounding cymbals. Under no circumstances must you praise with tawdry toddler trance that's been rehashed for ironic students who can't handle real dance music." Psalms 150:2-6

Jose Gonzalez - Killing For Love

Like Jose? Don't like his flogging to adverts? Well, you probably wouldn't have heard him if it weren't for those ads... so whatchu think now? Anyway, if you liked his Veneer LP, you'll seriously dig this.

Natasha Bedingfield feat Sean Kingston – Love Like This

"Let the women learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. And Sean Kingston should shut his trap as well." (I Timothy 2:11-14)

Soulja Boy feat Arab – Yahhh!

There's a little passage in The Bible that sums up my feelings on this Nutrasweet Hip-Hop guff. Chekkit. "And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight." (Ezekiel 4:12-13)

White Stripes – Conquista (Version En Castellano)/(Version Acustica De Mariachi)

White Stripes go Spanish and it works.

Albums

Breeders – Mountain Battles

This lot recently called Stephen Malkmus "a bitch". Well, you should be taking some time to hate others too. Check this. "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26)

Courteeners – St Jude

Before you start, don't get this muvva mixed up with Judas Iscariot. That bitch is sufferin' in hell for whut he did to me. Nails through mah shin bone man. Saying it ragged is an understatement. Anyway, the patron Saint of Armenia, lost causes, hospitals, the Chicago Police Department and Clube de Regatas do Flamengo in Rio puts his name to a new indie LP which will sell a shedload. Even though the Saints shouldn't be 'multiplatform', Jude is breaking new ground in spreading the good word. He might take a few kick backs... but hey, those Birkenstock's don't buy themselves y'know?

James – Hey Ma

New James LP. No-one cares. Except maybe people who go to Glastobury for 'the vibes'.

Joan Osborne – Breakfast In Bed

So Joan. We finally meet. What if God was one of us? Just a stranger on a bus... cracking his knuckles, waiting to see what stop you get off at so he can jump you down a dark alley and kick your arms off. Eh? You can sneer 'yeah, yeah, God is great' in song, but you gonna do it to my face huh? C'mon chickenshit. Ball is in your court.

P.O.D. - When Angels & Serpents Dance

"And when the ass saw the angel of the Lord, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff. And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, 'What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?' And Balaam said unto the ass, 'Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.' And the ass said unto Balaam, 'Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee?' And he said, 'Nay.'" (Numbers 22:27-30) If you can't link a talking ass with nu-rockers P.O.D., then there's no hope for ya.

Rolling Stones - Shine A Light

They've seen better days... you know that... they know that... buying this is a calculated risk.

Was (Not Was) – Boo!

Now, I know there's no mention of dinosaurs in the good book... and this lot asked us all to 'Walk The Dinosaur'. Who you gonna believe? Tell ya somethin', if it's not me, I'll smite the lot of yer.

(Jesus Christ appears courtesy of A&M Records)